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06:35pm 03/06/2013
  I just want to know where I am going to live. Is that too much to ask? We found somewhere we like. We found somewhere we can afford. We found somewhere that is twenty minutes from work. Twenty. Minutes. And you don't want us living there because YOU don't know where your warehouse is going to be at the end of the summer? How is that my issue? And for that matter, you are my boss from eight to five. Who the fuck do you think you are that you can tell me where I need to live? Do you not realize that we did you a favor by coming out here? I left my family, my friends, my house, my job. I didn't need this job you offered. Maybe Dmitriy did, but I certainly didn't. That's not to say I'm not appreciative. I am. But I didn't come out here because I needed your job, your money. I came out here to be with Dmitriy. To continue to be with him, to build a life with him, to be happy with him. And here you are, think I don't know what. Do you think that we owe you something? You can't make one goddamn decision and stick to it for more than a day, and you take it out on him. You give us four days notice that we are not only not going to be working in Arizona, but that we need to find an apartment near work. Fine. Whatever. We are living in a hotel because on a Monday we found out that on that Thursday we needed so find somewhere else to live. You had a month, a fucking month, to decided where you wanted us to be but you are too ADfuckingD to make any decisions and now here we are, finally found a place that we feel like we could live in and be happy in and it's not good enough for you? Hey. Turns out, you don't have anything to do with our life outside of work. You don't get to run my life, our life, and certainly not for $12.50 an hour and the raise we never got. I have never even met you and I already dislike you because you are the kind of person that never does what he says, reacts too quickly to every situation and has my boyfriend, the man that I love, annoyed, aggravated, angry and confused for most of the day. I am grateful for the job, but don't think for a second that I really need it. All I really need is him and you are quickly wearing thin on both of us. Maybe you are used to getting whatever you want these days, or maybe you're used to never getting what you really want, but that is no reason to try to CONTROL us. I don't want to be living in a hotel right now, I don't want to have to worry about every little step I take at work, and I certainly don't want you to come waltzing into my life acting like some sort of demi-god. It's just so tiring right now. You want to know why I've been making so many mistakes at work? It's because I spend half the time wondering where I'm going to be next week, and the other half of the time wondering what I am going to be doing next week. Am I going to be picking orders? Am I going to be doing customer service? Am I going to be answering the phone and calling customers? Am I going to be placing orders and invoicing inventory? That changes every other day and it is distracting. I am sick of it. I just want to start this new life we have and I can't because you and your 80,000 different and always changing ideas and opinions won't let me. Sometimes it sucks so much that I have to go out to my car and cry to just let some of pressure and confusion and madness and sadness out. I've never even met you and you are already making my life a mental hell.  
     
up for air.
 
Hello??   
12:49pm 04/05/2013
  Does anybody still write on hear? Read posts? Did we used to be friends on here but now you have a new name? Please, let me know. I have every intention of utilizing this site again, beginning today.  
     
2 came up for air.
 
Oh boy...   
01:47pm 02/07/2010
  I had forgotten how much LJ used to help me sort things out inside my head. I can't wait to get back on here, when I have more time, and get back to writing.  
     
3 came up for air.
 
It is currently sixty-seven degrees in Glendale, AZ   
01:32am 26/11/2007
  I am sitting in a bathtub in the hotel on Luke Air Force base in Arizona. This is my second to last time I will be seeing Aidan for a year. He's coming home for Christmas, then he's off to Korea for a year. Even since he's signed up, there hasn't been a point where I haven't seen him for more than six months. I am going to miss this mother-fucker. Along with the rest of the Spooky Kids, the Punky Bunch, and the Teenies, I don't see him much anymore. But at least before I had the option. There is going to be a WHOLE YEAR where I won't be able to see him. At least with the rest of my friends I can make the sixty mile trek back to the 'burbs or the seventy-five mile trek to the city. It hasn't hit me all the way yet, but when it does, I know it will be devestating. And no, I am not using that word lightly.
Speaking of devestating, I think there is something wrong with me. It's nothing bad, just a little fucked up. I have realized that within the past few months if I don't get out of town for at least two days every, or every other, week my body and mind react. My dear Robert, bless him, seems to be the only one who feels the same. It starts with a feeling in my legs, a restlessness. I see those commercials on television for Restless Leg Syndrome and there is a prescription that supposedly helps this condition (but I think there is a prescription for just about everything now) and I think "Wow, I totally need that". Remember when you were little and your body was growing and you got leg cramps that kept you from sleeping? You tried walking and stretching and you would twist and turn and kick the blankets off the bed. You'd lay on your back with your legs straight out, then bent at the knee, making a tent out of the sheets. Then you're on your side in the fetal position, but it doesn't help so you lay with your legs outstretched as if there is a bored down the entire length of your body. You roll to the other side, then you're on your stomach and NOTHING HELPS. Remember that? That's my first symptom. After that, I start to get this feeling in my chest, directly between but slightly below my breasts. It is a very compact ball that is made of something so dense it makes it hard to breathe. It feels as if the entire world is imploding beneathe my rib cage. Sounds like I am exaggerating, right? Well, believe it or not, I'm not. Sometimes it gets so bad, so intense that I actually check for my pulse to make sure this monstrosity in my chest is not slowly suffocating my heart. Then, all these physical problems move to my head and out of nowhere the thought "I need to get out of town" will pop into my head. I always know it's coming, but when it finally comes it still always surprises me. And once it pops into my head, I can't get rid of it. Of course I'll be talking to someone, or working, or reading, and it won't be on the tip of my tongue, but it will still be there - a gray whisp of thought floating around in the back of my mind, lightly tickling everything it so casually breezes by. And then, miraculously, I call my dear Robert and either that night, or the next day, we leave because he has these same moods and most of the time they always seem to coincide with mine.
I love being here in Arizona, I can't wait until Robert and I go to Florida. I'm looking forward to going back to Rockford on Wednesday, but at the same time I know that by Sunday I will need to be somewhere other than Rockford. Even if it's just a day trip to Freeport or Madison or Chicago. The amounts of time in-between the trips Robert and I go on are getting shorter and shorter. I don't know if that is bad or not. There are so many people in history who felt this incredible, absurd need to travel: Lewis and Clarke, the pioneers, Kerouac, William Least Heat-Moon. I'm getting off-track.
All I intended to write about was the good time I'm having out here with Lindsay and Aidan and how much I will miss him in 2008. I really am having a blast out here. We've been eating out just about every night, we've been to a few bars, hit up a couple house parties. But poor Lindsay is only twenty and has either been playing DD or staying home nearly every night. I'll be home Wednesday around noon and then I get to work a twelve-hour shift. Woot. Woot. I can't wait (please insert a sarcastic tone for the previous statement).
 
     
2 came up for air.
 
I miss yesterday   
01:12pm 01/11/2007
 
mood: Nostalgic
I wrote this last night.

Soon today will be tomorrow and the idea of tomorrow makes me long for every yesterday in my past. I know my past better than I will ever know anything or anyone in my entire life. It will never hurt me because it is too far gone. Everything that has already happened, has made me who I am, is so much more familiar and comfortable than what tomorrow, or even the next moment, may or may not bring.

I want to go back to seventeen. Where nothing was perfect, but somehow everything was always good. I know that's not how it was, but that's how I remember it. Selective memory. It's an amazing thing isn't it? I remember the parties, but not cleaning up the mess. I remember laughing with my friends, but not the fights. Spending the night but not leaving in the morning. Thinking about it makes my heart jump into my throat. I'm so homesick for the past it's disgusting. I love having all these perfect memories, but I hate them so much. They make me feel abandoned by the goodness of life, like I had this perfection once and now I've lost it. Things will never be as good as the summer I was seventeen. I think that when I start thinking like this it makes everything worse. It intensifies everything I'm currently feeling. Dmitriy told me once that when he gets upset he just lies to himself and convinces himself that it's better than how it is. Just like that. I wish it was that easy for me. For now, I think all I can do is create a false, rose-colored, illogical sort of logic. Right now I am repeating to myself that if at twenty-one I feel this way about seventeen, perhaps at twenty-five I will feel this way about twenty-one. Hope, but don't expect anything. That's the easiest way to go about things, right? The lower my expectations are, the easier it is to have things turn out okay and the harder it is to feel bad. I miss the way I used to be. I miss myself.
 
     
1 came up for air.
 
expectation   
09:23am 18/06/2007
  I should have expected to get hurt. But for some reason, with Sling, I always want to give it a shot. I was so happy for two and a half months, but look at me now. Was it worth it? I don't know yet. But Dmitriy said it best, "Damn, fuck him". And that's exactly how I feel. I've been drowning myself in work and hanging out with Scotty a lot. He always makes me feel better. He's just so damn funny. He could be the next Dane Cook if he wanted to. I guess that's about all that's new. And my dad is finally in remission!  
     
4 came up for air.
 
WTF?   
06:30pm 20/05/2007
 
mood: Just woke up; stuff in my eyes
What the fuck is wrong with me? Okay, I just woke up from a dream. About her. Yes, The Her. The last girl I loved. Megan. I haven't thought about her in a long time. I heard she was living in Rockford again. I was fine with that. I heard she was working with one of my best friends. It didn't bother me. I can tell the "I'm Gonna Steal Your Girlfriend" story and listen to Dashborad's "As Lovers Go" without a second thought. I am with Sling and I am so happy. I haven't been this happy in a long time. I mean, after waiting for five years, I'm damn well going to be happy. So WTF? Where is all this coming from again? Why is she suddenly making all these feelings come back when they've been gone for at least two years? I hate that people can fuck me up. She's having the Sling effect. The effect he had on me for so long, now I have him and someone else has taken it over. God, my head is so fucked up. Why can't I ever just be content and happy? Okay Emo, calm down. Wow, sorry about that. That was like a little self-pity party all about nothing. I'm not going to delete it, but I feel bad for whoever reads it.
 
     
1 came up for air.
 
confusion   
08:05am 21/04/2007
 
mood: confused
You're the one person I've wanted since I was sixteen. You're the one I've held every other guy up to you. You were the standard they could never live up to. You make me smile, you make me feel good, you make me feel good about myself. Are we more than just friends? I thought we'd moved past the relationship point. I thought we'd moved on to a more intimate, but platonic, relationship. But here we are. Boyfriend and girlfriend. And I'm confused.
You're the guy I met that night. You were so nice to me. You're the guy I met again, a month ago. And then I fell for you. You're the one that makes my stomach do flips, makes my heart pound, makes me feel like I'm falling. You make me smile, make me feel good, make me feel good about myself. Are we more than just friends? No, we're not. We can't be. Right? Of course we can't. Yet, I still can't help entertaining the idea... I'm confused.
Fuck.
 
     
2 came up for air.
 
"Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off..."   
10:16am 25/03/2007
  I'm laying on the couch, in the living room of the apartment of which I just signed a one year lease. I'll get to that later, the lease that is. But right now I'm laying on the couch watching Closer. I love this movie. I have watched it countless times and am still not tired of it.
Today was a good day. Tiring, but good. Today/tonight is the first time in three weeks that I've worked a double-shift. And it felt good. I've missed working night-shift. It's been nothing but day-shifts for the past three weeks (except for the night I turned twenty-one). Day-shift is so laid-back compared to night-shift and I'd forgotten how different night-shift is. The atmosphere is different. There's more energy, everyone's in a better, more hyped-up mood, and it's a lot louder. And goddamn did I miss my night girls. For the past three weeks the only time I've seen them is when I'm getting dressed at eight and they're getting ready to go out on the floor. Carmen, Cali, Krymson, Skylar, Mercedes, Angel, Mary Jane, and so many others. Two to two is a rough shift, but I'm so happy to be working it again. They're not close friends, with a few exceptions, but they're still friends and I've missed them. It was great to finally be able to hang out/work with them again. And, I'll admit, the tips are better on night-shift and I love that too. I'm trying to express how excited I am to be on night-shift again, have been all night, and I haven't been able to adequately describe it. I suppose it's such a personal happiness that I can't put it into words. It's a little strange that work makes me this happy, but it does. That's one of the things I like most about my job. I adore it. I know so many people who are unhappy with their jobs, don't have fun at their jobs, want new jobs, and that's not me. It's great.
Now, onto this lease business. My whole life I've moved back and forth between Des Plaines and Cherry Valley/Rockford. Since I was sixteen, I don't think I've gone a whole year in just one of those towns. And now I've gone and signed a lease, for a year. I've finally committed to something. It's a big step for me, and pretty scary. I mean, I know I have the option of buying my way out of the lease, but that's pushing it. This is the largest committment I've made in a long time, possibly my entire life. And it's something I did on my own. That blows my mind. Am I growing up? Becoming responsible? Or is it just another new thing I'm trying out? I don't know, but I wish I did.
I guess I don't have that much to write about. My dad goes back to work on Monday, so I'm very happy about that. It might be too tiring for him, but at least he feels up to trying. Test results show that the chemo is helping slightly, which is a great sign because that means that it will, hopefully, keep helping and eventually he'll be in remission. I guess that's about it.
 
     
2 came up for air.
 
Once again, death invades.   
11:24pm 14/03/2007
  So, my dad's home from the hospital. Happened Sunday. I thought it was going to be a good week. I get to work on Monday and find out about that fire in Wrigleyville that happened Saturday morning. Also found out my friend Joe was one of the ones who died that morning. The other two guys, Jerrid and Jason, were just acquaintences. I didn't know Jessica, had only heard of her. V's the only one who made it out alive, and that's only because he drunkenly stumbled out of the window and down to the ground. Some girl at work told me the other day that God only gives you what He thinks you can handle. Fuck that. I can't handle all of this. My dad, Joe, Jason, Jerrid, my own health issues, and friend's problems. This is too much. I don't know what to do. If you know me, then you know how I feel about crying. Sling taught me well. Crying is for pussies. I haven't had a two nights in a row for the past two weeks that I haven't had dry eyes and cheeks. I didn't cry the night Scotty, Tristan, and Brandon stayed over because fuck if I'll cry in front of them. And I didn't cry last night because Abby was in the living room as I was falling asleep. That's it. Why do bad things always happen at the same time? This is too much grief and worry for me. I'm not stable as it is just living a regular day to day life. Every night for the past week and a half I've fallen asleep thinking "what's going to happen tomorrow? What am I going to hear about tomorrow that will make things worse?" and it sucks. I know I sound selfish right now, but I don't fucking care. I just want everything to go back to how it was a month ago when I was happy. My birthday is Friday, I get to see a whole bunch of friends that I haven't seen in months, and that doesn't make me happy. Thinking about seeing Sling can make my lips twitch into a smile for a few seconds but that's about it. I feel like shit when I'm out with my friends at Perkins or drinking with them because I'm putting up this front like I'm basically okay and that's like lying to them. I hate lying to my friends and that's what it feels like I'm doing. I tried talking to Mike about it one night, and it was nice that he was there for me even though it was three:thirty in the morning, but I couldn't say everything right. I couldn't get anything out so it didn't really help. I just want to feel better. Is that really too much to ask for? I know things won't get better right away, some things like Joe will never be the same ever again, but can't I at least feel a little bit better? I've actually been considering going to the doctor and getting back on Zoloft or Prozac or Wellbutrin. Something. Anything. I'll take it, even if it's synthetic. Even if it's not real, I'll take any sort of calm I can get. Shit, I have to get on stage after this song. I guess this entry is over.  
     
up for air.
 
Bad week.   
05:41am 10/03/2007
 
mood: indescribable
So every bad emotion you can possibly imagine, that's what I've been feeling since Sunday. My dad started chemo. He's scared and hurting and sick and in so much pain. It scares more than anything. I don't want to see him like this. I can barely stand seeing him. I thought I would be able to write about it. I've always been better at expressing how I feel through writing than anything else, but even now I can't seem to find words strong enough, words with enough meaning behind them, to express how much this is hurting me. And I know how selfish that sounds, because it's him that's hurting and sick but I can't help feeling like it anyway. I shouldn't be writing now. I shouldn't be thinking about this right now. There's a Xanex and Guinness calling my name. I hope things look better tomorrow.
 
     
up for air.
 
Everything is just...everything   
07:07am 01/03/2007
 
mood: drained
So the things I have to update about fall into several different categories. Bad, good, current annoyances, emotions, my everyday life, and in all of those there are just random thoughts and feelings thrown in.
I think I'll start with my everyday life. My work schedule is completely hectic. I'm at Tiger Tail every day we're open (Monday through Saturday) for day-shift which is two to eight. I'm also there on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday until at least eleven, at the latest two A.M. I'm in the best shape of my life. I weigh more than I ever have before, but it's all muscle and as egotistical as this sounds, I have never looked better (except for the constant dark circles under my eyes). Several new girls have come in, so I've made some new friends which is always great. My after-work hours are either spent at Perkins with a new group of friends I've fallen into and I absolutely adore or are spent drinking with friends, usually at the apartment. Speaking of which, it is now just Abby and I living in the apartment. Brit moved out, which is great, because she was a horrible roomate and Abby and I get along very, very well. That's about it. It's pretty boring.
Now current annoyances. Somehow, I've become ensnared in drama. I don't know how because the one I have drama with, I never really had a problem with. I never knew her enough to like or dislike her. She was just a somebody who knows people I know and occasionally popped up in my social surroundings every now and then. I didn't do anything to her, except start talking to one of her friends, Mike, who I'll write about in a bit. I think perhaps she is afraid that we will become good friends and she will be left behind. I understand that is a feeling that might not be the best feeling in the world, but why take it out on me? Oh, and it's not just me. She's also taking it out on Mike, which is incredibly unfair because as a human being he has the right to do what he wants. He didn't do anything wrong at all. I understand her acting the way she is toward me (as unfair, and annoying, as I think it is), simply because most girls feel as if they are in a constant competition with each other, and this particular situation does nothing but amplify that. I know it shouldn't bother me, because I know I haven't done anything wrong, but I can't help it. I just don't like it when people are mad at me, but who does? I just don't see the point in it. Why waste time, bits and pieces of your life, on something as petty as disliking someone? I'd rather spend my life with as many friends and good memories as possible.
Moving on to the good, I do have some good news. It may not seem like much of anything to anyone else, but it means a lot to me. I've somehow been lucky enough to find myself a surrogate Sling. Of course, there is no replacement for my best friend, but since I see him so rarely it's nice to have a stand-in. Funny thing is, his name is Mike (the one mentioned before), just like Sling. I'm so comfortable around him, it's ridiculous. The first time we ever hung out, outside of Perkins, was at my apartment and we watched Boondock Saints and drank Guinness. It was such a Sling night, but not, because he wasn't there. One of my favorite things that takes place in life is randomly meeting someone and having a friendship just click. It's such an amazing feeling.
Now for the bad. Which isn't too bad I suppose, just painful and a bit scary. I have a cyst on my inner thigh right near where my leg meets my crotch. The doctor drained it, but it filled up again so as soon as I get the money I have to get it removed. They're not sure why I got it, but they said the fact that it is on a lymph node could be cause for concern. It's not something I like to admit, but I'm a little scared. If something serious comes out of this, I wouldn't know what to do. I know that odds are nothing bad is going to happen, but I can't help wondering and worrying. And considering how young I am, how healthy I eat, and the shape I'm in, I know it's not likely but I can't stop that black, scary, nasty word from popping into my thoughts: cancer. I know I'm overreacting, but I can't seem to help it. I'm a worrier. That's what I do. That's why I was such a good "mom of DP". I care and I worry.
I think I've rambled on enough, but for some reason I just want to keep on typing. I need to stop eventually though, and I am pretty sure I've gotten all the updates out in the open, so I may as well stop now instead of just rambling on and on. So, this is it for now. And sorry, I know I went a little comma crazy.
 
     
up for air.
 
Update? Sure, why not?   
12:34am 05/02/2007
  I don't have much to update about. I've gotten in with some really good friends lately. I adore them all, especially Maggie and Anthony. Maggie and I get along so well. I'm getting back to school soon, so that's good. Spring semester here I come. Still dancing at the TTail and making good money doing it. Maggie works with me now. I've cut back on the drinking and updating right now was not a good idea because3 it has taken me thirty minutes to write this much during the Superbowl. I hope the Bears win it for Chicago. Hometown love. I'll write more later, sorry, this entry sucks.  
     
up for air.
 
Confidence is a facade that I love.   
07:52pm 06/11/2006
 
mood: Confused, as always
Prologue.
I like to Read.
To Write.
To Drink.
To Dance.
To Learn.
To Think.

i.
I like to escape
From reality
To a world built from words
A world with a bit more simplicity
I like to pretend I'm Dean Moriarty
Or Neal Cassady
Characters who live their lives
As who they want to be
Who have no shame
Place no blame
Believe that things
Aren't always what they seem.

ii.
I like to trace
My emotions with a pen
Fill up the empty paper space
With memories I don't want forgotten
Jot down my stories
Store away my dreams
Catalogue the emotions
That have been ripped apart at the seams.

iii.
I like the feeling
Of feeling no pain
Losing my fears
Feeling sane
Chilled in the freezer
But it still warms my heart
It slowly mends
What's been torn apart.

iv.
I like to press against him
Stand hip to hip with her
Move so fast
Everything becomes a blur
Become unsure of where I begin
Where to music ends
Retreat to place
Where both ends meet
I like to be filled
With so much energy it hurts
To be filled with so much music
I think my heart might burst.

v.
I like to talk to the people in the hospital
The ones who have been left behind
Left forgotten
Left to die
I like to hear about a Stranger's triumphs
Their devestations
Their dreams
And complications.

vi.
I like to be on my own
I need my space
(Not MySpace)
I like to be thrown
Back into myself
Figure out my complexities
Reflect on my intricacies
Pass by my regrets
And smile at the rest.

Epilogue.
I like to live
But I want to die
I like to be strong
But I want to cry
I like to give up
But I want to try
I like who I am
But I want to be me.
 
     
up for air.
 
"Try not to panic..."   
05:10am 01/10/2006
 
mood: Mentally dizzy
It seems like for once I won't be the one leaving the relationship. Good for me, right? I'm growing up? Maturing? I don't know if I like this. Why does it have to feel like my heart is choking? I don't know if I can do this. This is always the point where I run away. The last time I didn't run was Dmitriy, and while things turned out good in the long run, with us still being good friends and all, but at the time it hurt like hell. I don't want that to happen this time. He's going to leave and it's going to hurt. That's what I can't help but think. Would you listen to me? I'm such a fucking pussy. This needs to not be so scary. But at least I'm happy, right? That makes up for the fear and hurt and the anxiety, right? I'm happy. I need Stef to be here with me. Not in Reno. Here.
 
     
1 came up for air.
 
Burgundy   
04:59am 27/08/2006
 
mood: Fulfilled
Burgundy in your body
Nothing on your skin
My heart's beating so loudly
Like bullets all shook up in a tin...
Can
Oh man
You're standing in the door
My heart drops straight to the floor
And you drop to your knees
Licking the blood splatter off the wall
I'm all set to take the fall
When you need me dive headfirst
Off a two hundred and sixty-seven foot plateau
Just ask
And I'll go baby go
One sultry look
Now I'M on my knees
Just one graze of your lips against mine
Oh baby, don't make me plead
You're too much too much too much
For me to take
You're making my heart break.
 
     
2 came up for air.
 
My confidence is leaving me on my own   
06:18am 24/08/2006
 
mood: anxious
So I'm definitely afraid. It's not because I'm worried about getting hurt or all the bullshit I'm usually worried about. I'm scared because it seems like this could be long-term. And that's fuckin' scary as all hell. I have never really been in one. I could have been once, with Patrick, but...yeah. Thinking that in a year, he might still be there, I don't know how to feel about that. I mean, it's nice. Comforting. Something that makes me smile. But...it's scary. I feel like a goddamn pussy. Where the hell is Sling? I need the shit slapped out of me. I need to be able to think straight. I need my heart to stop interfering with my head. I need him to be here instead of in Indiana.
 
     
1 came up for air.
 
   
09:37pm 20/08/2006
 
mood: Good.
So it's been a while eh? But I always come back. Blurty, MySpace, etc. Whatever. I'm an LJ girl at heart. So here's what's new: not much. Livin' it CV style. Stripping up in Wisconsin, soon going to be dancing at Tiger Tail again. I miss my home club. And I'm falling in love. That, I have to admit, took me by surprise in more than one way. For the most part, it's because I always fall for someone, but never fall in love. Also because: it happened so fast. I've only known him for two weeks. Crazy, right? Yeah, I know. But maybe it really is like in fairy tales; maybe it can happen that fast. The most surprising thing is, it's not scaring me too much. I'm not so afraid of getting hurt, I'm not so afraid of fucking up, I'm not so afraid of somehow losing it or him, I'm just happy I have it. Me, the girl who tries to make herself invulnerable, tries to avoid relationships because I might get attached and then hurt, tries to retend love doesn't exist so I don't have to be sad about never feeling it again. I haven't felt like this since, well, Sling. And if you've known me long enough, you know how long ago that was. I feel like a fucking pussy, so I'm going to stop now, but hey. Be happy for me, because I'm finally happy. No more sad little emo girl, no more facades, no more avoiding real relationships. Hey. I think I'm growing up.
 
     
2 came up for air.
 
This song...   
05:10am 26/06/2006
  So, you should definitely read the entry before this because it's hilarious, but I just had to post this song up here. It had been a while since I'd listened to it, and I had forgotten just how amazing it is, and it made me cry.

Artist: Paula Cole
Song: Carmen

Carmen, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know if I can go back
Carmen I'll never be never be never be the same again
Carmen

The way you set the table
The way you lean to tell me something soft
The way I can see into you
The way you tell me I talk too much about myself
It's true I talk too much about myself
But right now all I wanna talk about is you now

Carmen, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know if I can go back
Carmen I'll never be never be never be the same again
Carmen...

I love the way you think
Is it biological or all the acid
You've eaten
Just take me into your body
I wanna be drunk, I wanna be high
I wanna be drunk, I wanna be high on you

Carmen, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know if I can go back
Carmen I'll never be never be never be the same again
Carmen...

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
If I can go go go go go go go go back home

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
If I can be seen again
 
     
up for air.
 
This is why I love my friend who shall remain nameless   
12:36am 26/06/2006
 
mood: Cracking up
This is an exchange between my friend and I on AIM. I happen to think it's hilarious if you read it all. I swear, this is the best response I've ever had to "So tell me a story".

Me: So tell me a story.
k: a story.
k: what kind of story?
Me: I don't know.
k: hm
k: ok
k: so, theres this kid named Elijah
k: and he wanted to be famous
k: but for the life of him, couldnt figure out what he should be famous for
k: Elijah saw himself differently than how most people interpreted him
k: when he thought of himself, he saw what he wanted
k: most of the time, when it wasnt naked women (or what he thought naked women would look like, which he would later find out was a gross misinterpretation), Elijah saw himself on some sort of stage or pedestal
k: surrounded by naked women, of course (even when not thinking directly of them, they were still present in his thoughts one way or another)
k: moving on
k: Elijah knew he could be a star
k: as a side note, does this story suck yet?
Me: Nope. It's very amusing and very well thought out
k: ah, thank you
Me: Anytime.
k: either way, Elijah knew that he had to be a star someway
k: so, Elijah gave several different things a try
k: First he shot low and went for a career in amateur porn
k: hoping to be moved up the ladder of porno-fame, gaining celebrity like that of ron jeremy or jenna jameson
k: sadly, Elijah had no idea how to get started
Me: Oh no, things are not looking good for Elijah. But I'm intrigued...
k: after hours and hours of thinking, Elijah arrived at the conclusion that the best way to start his career was to use his parents webcam to film himself masturbating and/or posing, and then posting it on internet, in a forum such as youtube
k: after putting a few videos online, and receiving nothing but negative reviews, with the exception of a few glowing reviews from a middle aged, balding German man named "Heinz," who hailed it as "a triumphic narrative of the of the human condition"
Me: Ooh, I like that. Very nice.
k: Elijah decided that he would need to get others involved in his amateur porno endeavor
k: the only logical way Elijah could think of to advertise his need of others was to post fliers all over his high school
k: Sadly, the response was far from positive
k: Most students had left him in his own little bubble in school, maintaining a three foot bubble of space around him as he would traverse the halls
Me: Ohh, poor Elijah.
k: now, after the fliers, it extended to six feet and no direct eye contact
k: but Elijah was so sure he needed more people
k: so he turned to the only people that he knew he could depend on in his years
k: his family
Me: *gasp
k: one night, gathered around a dinner table filled with several wonders of the middle class recipe book, including those potatoes with the little marshmallows covering the top, a gorgeous meat loaf, green beans, and all the crystal light one could drink, Elijah propositioned his parents
k: He was sent to his room with no dessert
k: He knew his parents would come through for him in the end, so he assumed that they were just really excited about the idea, and talking it over
k: His parents came to his room 2 hours later, both in tears
k: they told him they were going to keep him at home for a few days, so that they could adequately make arrangements to send him away
Me: Oh NO!
k: Elijah panicked.
Me: I'll bet.
k: He knew that if he was going to have his glorious porno career, he knew he was going to need some quality material for youtube, or else
k: luckily, Elijah's ingenuity would save him yet again, as a sure-fire plan quickly materialized
k: His room was right next to his parents
k: he knew his closet wall was shared with that of his parent's bedroom, so then he might be able to drill some kind of hole in the wall, and then possibly tape his parents having sex, if they even still did that anymore
Me: Oh geez.
k: wait, who was Elijah kidding?
k: Elijah knew they still had sex
k: nearly every night, Elijah was awoken in the wee hours of night, to the sounds of the whip, the muffled groan from the ball-gag, and the creak of the sex swing
k: Elijah set his plan into action
k: The only "drill" Elijah could find in his room was a toenail clipper, but he knew that his fame, nay, his life, depended on the next task
k: after what seemed like an eternity, Elijah had made the hole big enough so that it was just at the right level to get a shot of his parent's bed!
Me: GO ELIJAH!
k: he pulled his webcam over to his closet and taped it to the wall, yet again wrapped up in thoughts of being on a pedestal (dont forget the naked women)
k: He camped in his closet and waited for the action to begin
k: a while later, Elijah shook awoke to a loud popping noise in the next room
Me: *curiosity engaged: what could it be?
k: scared he tore his webcam from the wall and peered into his parents bedroom, only to be met with the sight of his parents sleeping soudnly
k: soundly*
k: "But then what was that noise?" Elijah thought
k: He went to his computer in search of an answer
k: he began to look over the hopefully titillating footage he had captured
k: he was met with something that was at best worth some good neighborly gossip for the next few weeks
k: his parents were fighting
k: it got louder
k: and then he noticed they were crying
k: he couldnt understand what they were saying when they got quiet all of a sudden
k: then his parents looked eachother in the eye, and his mother nodded, as if in agreement
k: His father then went to the bathroom and returned with an armful of prescription pills
k: he set the bottles down on the bed and began opening them (they were capsules), and then pouring them into something
k: his father then handed it to his mother
k: it was one of Elijah's Chocolate Sundae pudding packs!
k: By this time, Elijah was fuming
k: They knew those were his favorite
k: yet they stole one
k: bastards
k: the mother ate the whole pudding pack, quickly, and doubled over in tears
k: the father reassured him
k: her*
k: then she laid down on the bed
k: and went to sleep
Me: Sleep?
k: the father weeped for a few moments, then went to the bedside stand, and retrieved a leather case from the drawer
k: (Elijah doesnt know any better)
k: His father sat on the bed, then removed from the case a revolver, loaded it, and lied down
k: he kissed his wife
k: and then with a sigh, let Elijah knew what the loud popping noise was
k: Elijah was very upset
k: now how was he supposed to become famous?
k: (several hours of brainstorming and thoughts of naked women later)
k: Elijah decided that maybe, if he could use his parents apparent suicide as some sort of springboard into a prestigious porno career
k: He promptly called the police
k: In no time, he was doing the talk show circuit
Me: That's cold.
k: im sry, did the story take a turn for the sucky
k: ?
Me: No, not at all.
Me: I'm completely engaged.
Me: And I'm not even kidding.
k: lol, awesome
k: alright, back to the talk show circuit
k: Elijah made note of his aspirations of becoming a porn star when he was chatting with Oprah, Jerry Springer, and Geraldo Rivera
k: after a few months, Vivid Entertainment called him up and offered him a contract
k: Elijah had started his career under the name (Dirck Donovan)
k: fast forward 2 years later
k: Elijah sits in a nicely furnished L.A. home
k: he takes note of the mounds of pudding packs sitting on the catering table
k: then, with a tear in his eye, as a fluffer prepped him for his next scene, Elijah remembered all that his parents had given up so that he could have his fame
k: And knew that he had done the right thing
k: the end
 
     
1 came up for air.